Alone
by Sophia Hawkins
Summary: AU oneshot. Casey tries to help Kelly through one of the worst nights of his life.


Alone

Casey hopped out of his pickup and looked at the darkened apartment windows. Severide's car was parked at the curb, so Casey knew he was home. Home, but not answering any of Casey's calls, or his texts. Matt was sure he had his reasons why, but he had his own reasons for coming to check on Kelly.

He went up to the door and knocked, though he knew there wouldn't be any answer. He just hoped the door wasn't locked, he could kick it in if need be, but if he didn't have to he would prefer it. No answer. Casey put his ear to the door, he couldn't even hear anything inside. He tried the knob and was relieved to find the door wasn't locked. Sucking in a breath, Casey tried to prepare himself for what he might find on the other side of the door, and he went in.

The apartment was dark, there was a lamp on that had been knocked on the floor in the corner. The TV was on but the sound was down so low it was almost off. Between the illumination these two put out he could see several empty bottles on the floor, but there was no sign of Severide yet.

"Kelly?" he called out.

No response. Forcing himself to take another breath, and not to panic, which would be too easy to do, especially since he _knew_ Kelly, Casey started making his way through the living room, and over to the bedroom.

"Kelly?"

He reached for the light switch but nothing happened. He looked in the darkened room and couldn't see much. A faint light shone in the window from somewhere outside, it just barely lit up that side wall, the edge of the dresser, and...

"Kelly?"

He just made out the human sized lump on the floor by the bed.

"Kelly!"

Casey knelt down beside Severide, who was still conscious Matt knew simply because he was alternating between groaning and crying. Casey reached up and felt along the nightstand and found the lamp and turned it on, the room half lit up and he was able to see Kelly curled in a ball on his side, dressed in a gray T-shirt and black sweats, the tears thick in his throat with every breath he took. Matt gathered him in his arms and pulled him up in a sitting position and was looking Kelly over for any obvious signs of injury, there were none, thank God for small favors.

Kelly grabbed hold of Casey and held on to him with all the strength he currently possessed, which wasn't much. Casey held his friend and sat there on the floor until Kelly finally seemed to wear out. Then Casey slowly worked at pulling Kelly to his feet and walking him the short distance over to the bed and getting him settled under the covers.

It had been a year to the day since Anna died. Casey had known Kelly didn't want to talk about it but he thought it was important to let his best friend know he wasn't alone. When he'd received no answer to his messages he'd gotten worried and decided to find out what was going on. He was glad now that he'd come, but he kicked himself for not getting there earlier in the day.

"Casey," Kelly weakly choked out.

"I'm right here, Kelly," Matt said as he tucked the covers around Severide.

Kelly looked up at him with bleary eyes that didn't actually appear to see anything and he asked with a slur, "W'as wrong with me, Matt?"

Casey had no idea how to respond to that, he wasn't even sure where it was coming from.

He didn't need to know, Kelly supplied the rest. "Why is it every time I get serious about someone, they either cheat on me or they die?"

Casey still had no idea how to respond to that.

"You're asking the wrong person, Kelly," Casey's own failed love life spoke volumes off the same page, and he didn't have any better idea about it either.

Kelly's eyes seemed to clear up some as he looked at Casey and determinedly but still with a slur told him, "I love you."

Casey was just about to comment how it wasn't the right time for one of _those_ discussions when Kelly reached up and wrapped his arms around Casey's torso in a death grip and just about pulled the Truck lieutenant clear on the bed, pleading with him, "Don't leave me."

Struggling to breathe, caught off guard by the sudden surge of strength that was running through Kelly, Casey also struggled to get the words out of his mouth, "I'm not leaving you, Kelly..."

Casey felt his feet touching the ground again and felt the vise grip loosening around his ribs, but Kelly repeated desperately, "Don't leave me, please."

"I'm not going anywhere, Kelly," Matt tried to reassure his friend.

Kelly reached a hand up and gripped Casey by the elbow and said, "Stay, stay with me, please."

Casey found himself slowly nodding as he finally realized what Kelly was saying. "Okay, I'll stay."

He reached over and pulled down the other side of the covers.

"I'll be right back, I promise," he told Kelly as he left the bedroom to lock the door, pick up the lamp and put the bottles in the trash. He'd planned to sleep on the couch so he'd still be close enough to check on Severide if need be but give the man some privacy but he saw now that that wasn't a possibility.

He returned to the bedroom and saw Kelly hadn't moved, except to raise himself up on his elbows watching the door as if making sure Casey came back.

Casey sat on the edge of the bed with his back to Kelly as he untied his boots. Suddenly a voice broke through the silence.

"I loved her."

Casey paused for a second, didn't turn around but merely nodded and responded, "I know, Kelly."

"I really thought we could have a future together."

"I know," Casey nodded.

"I miss her."

"I know you do."

"Ever'day I miss her," Kelly threw his head back against the pillows and looked towards the ceiling. "Why did she have to die?"

"I don't know, Kelly."

"Tha' was the point of giving her my bone marrow, to save her life."

"I know."

"But it didn't work...why didn't it work?"

"It did, Kelly."

"For a while...why only for a while?"

Casey shook his head, "Those are the things nobody knows, Kelly, I'm sorry."

"Could you do it?"

"Huh?" Casey turned his head.

Kelly still gazed towards the ceiling, but he asked Casey, "You ever think about what you'd do if you got cancer?"

Casey didn't answer immediately, when he did he replied, "I don't know, I try not to think about it too much."

"Would you take all the treatments...just _hoping_ it worked..._hoping_ it didn't kill you first? ...waste away to nothing, living in a hospital bed...no quality of life, just _hoping_ that something somewhere would work?"

Now Casey was getting a better idea what had been coursing through Kelly's mind all day and night to correlate to the liquor coursing through his body.

"I think you need to calm down, Kelly," Casey said.

Severide's eyes stayed fixated on something above, but he shook his head, "I couldn't do it. I wouldn't...I know now why Anna had the DNR...I wouldn't even make it that far."

"Kelly-"

"I wouldn't do any of it...I'd...just take my chances with what time I had left, while I actually had a quality of life," Kelly said. "Why not? Always hope to bite it on the job anyway."

"Kelly," Casey crawled over to Severide's side of the bed and tried to get Kelly to look at him, "you're too upset to think clearly right now, you need to calm down and try to go sleep."

Kelly turned his head and looked at Matt, "You'll be here?"

"I'll be right here," Casey assured him.

Kelly slowly nodded, "Okay...good."

Casey reached over and turned off the light and started to get settled under the covers. In the dark, Kelly's exhausted voice rang out again.

"Wouldn't tell anyone...wouldn't want them to know, don't want their pity, don't want to be the 'sick one'."

"Kelly, go-to-sleep," Casey was struggling to keep his patience.

"I know it's selfish, I don't care," Kelly told him, "I wouldn't do it."

Casey felt around in the dark and found Kelly's hand and squeezed it to let him know he wasn't alone. After a while Kelly became quiet and Casey felt him relax, a while later he finally fell asleep, and Casey did the same thing.

* * *

Casey was gone when Kelly woke up the next morning. The other side of the bed was disheveled but Casey was gone. Kelly felt like hell though he didn't exactly feel hungover. He wasn't sure how to describe it, but he was starting to regret all he'd had to drink the day before. He rolled over and looked at the clock, then rolled on his back again and just lay there, looking at the tiles in the ceiling.

"Hey."

Kelly jerked his head towards the door and saw Casey entering the room with a plate in his hands.

"I hope you're hungry," he said as he held it down and Kelly saw the sausage, bacon, eggs and hash browns on it.

"W'as going on?" Kelly asked.

"I made you breakfast," Casey answered.

"Why?" Kelly looked up at him as he sat up in the bed.

"Because," Casey handed him the plate, "I know you're like me and don't always do well left to your own devices."

"Like yesterday?" Kelly asked with a small wince at the memory.

"You should've called me, Kelly," Casey said.

"I know..."

"I understand why you didn't, but you should've," Casey told him. "This isn't something you should be alone for."

Kelly looked at his food and wouldn't make eye contact but he told Matt, "If you breathe a word of what I'm about to tell you, to anybody at 51, I'll kill you."

"What?" Casey asked.

Kelly absently raised a hand and scratched over one eye as he said to Casey, "Everybody I love either leaves me or they die. Not just Anna...Shay, Andy...that's why..." he broke off the sentence, not able to continue.

Casey wordlessly nodded as a few more things started to make sense. He leaned over the bed and kissed Kelly on the forehead and told him, "I love you too."

"I'm sorry about last night," Kelly told him. He thought back to the memory of Casey finding him, and he was ashamed of his behavior.

"It's alright, I get it," Casey said, "Anybody who's lost someone gets it."

Kelly looked at him and said quietly, "We're losing too many people."

Casey nodded, "I know."

There was a silence between them for a moment before Casey asked him, "Do you remember what you said last night?"

"Somewhat."

Casey looked at him for a few seconds before replying, "I don't think I would either. I hope neither of us ever has to find out."

Kelly looked at him sheepishly and responded, "I can't believe I actually said that."

"Is it true?" Casey asked.

Kelly slowly nodded. "After watching Anna...I couldn't do what she did, I couldn't give up months, or years, going from one hospital, to another, taking all those treatments, just for nothing to work in the end...I don't know how she did it...but I couldn't. What does that say about me?"

"You're not Anna, Kelly."

"I thought because I was a match for her...that it meant something...that, we were connected...I thought I could save her..."

"I know, Kelly," Casey said quietly.

"I can't stop thinking about what _could've_ happened if she'd lived."

"I know," Casey replied, "I think about Hallie all the time."

Kelly blinked and realized, "We really _are_ a lot alike, aren't we?"

"I won't tell if you won't," Casey said.

That got a small chuckle out of Severide.

"You better hurry up and eat before your food gets cold," Casey told him.

"Yeah, thanks..." Kelly thought of something and asked Casey, "Why _did_ you make this for me?"

"Besides the fact I already ate?" Casey stepped to the side and ducked the pillow flying towards him.

He couldn't really answer Kelly's question. He knew there wasn't much he could do to help Kelly get through the big things right now other than his offered presence, which didn't feel anywhere near enough. At least by doing the little things he felt he was actually accomplishing something. As much as Kelly had been through lately, it was about time that somebody did something for him, even if it wasn't anything big.

"Thanks for coming over last night," Kelly broke the silence.

"That's what I'm here for," Casey told him.


End file.
